not much, but its something

so this year has started off as one of the worst and most stressful of my life to date.

I am sure that there will be worse yet and better.

It's part of life.

I do believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

that surviving isn't just half the battle, its the whole battle.

it doesn't matter if you come out on top, just that you come out at all and that you still have legs to stand on and arms to support you.

it might not seem like much but it's everything at the same time.

I have run the gamut of emotions.

I was scared when everything came crashing down

angry, betrayed and heartbroken when my family turned their backs

defiant when told how i was supposed to run my life

grateful to know there was love and support out there for me in the form of wonderful strangers

love for even those who abandoned me

relieved when there was light on the edge of the darkness

things still aren't perfect or remotely close.

there is still stress and panic and I am pretty sure a need for medication

but life has a way of evolving whether you want it to or not.

this is where the fates want me to be in my life.

I am sure there is a plan

what it is I am sure I will know eventually.

but for now I must keep treading water, keep my head up and SURVIVE.

I'll most likely kill you in the morning...

Someone replied that to my goodnight twitter post last night.

I woke up feeling like i might actually want to kill people.

funny how that worked out.

Actually, its not that I want to kill someone or anyone, just kill life in general.

I want it to stop for a while.

STOP THIS CRAZY WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF!

Bad things come in 3's

I am hoping that I missed the first one and that Chris losing his job was number 3.

If not then that means that something bad is still waiting. I don't think I can handle that.

I try to be a little candid in my posts because I am constantly thinking about what other people might think.

What my family would think if they stubbled upon this.

Not today.

Today I am just going to say everything.

Forgive me if I offend... but i really don't care this morning.

Today I kinda wish my family would read this.

Today I am getting it all out

Spilling it out on the table

Heart and soul for you all to poke, prod and examine

Here it is.

I want to not be strong.

I want to cry.

I want to go back to the way I was over a year ago when my friends didn't like to leave me by myself with sharp objects.

I want to cut myself deeper than I ever have before.

I want the pain and fire that is running through my veins to come rushing out.

I know that some of you will understand what that feels like and there are those of you who don't or don't want to. but here it is.

I can only equate it to being a smoker or alcoholic. You just have to do it.

perhaps this is my vice.

I just feel this pain, this burning and its too much to handle.

no amount of crying or trying to talk it out helps.

It BURNS. courses through my veins, through every organ of my body

rips and pulls through my chest

I have to give it a way out before it explodes through my heart and brain.

I never cut to kill myself.

No matter how many times it thought about it

how many times I have closed my eyes and the seen the blood rushing over my skin.

I rarely cut that deep and if I do its no where near a major blood source.

I really want to do it now but I made a promise I wouldn't

That may not seem like much to members of my family, but they have no idea how hard it is.

these are people that smoke religiously and never quit longer than a few months.

they will judge and mock and throw it back in my face because posers have made cutting into something that tight pant wearing emo kids do because "no on understands them".

I never did it for that.

I started by accident.

I started because I was weak, I was hurting, I was trying to get through and function like a "normal" person and I wasn't paying attention when sliced my hand open.

It was the first time I felt like I wasn't on fire. I became addicted to it like my mom is to smoking.

It took her almost dying and getting pneumonia for her to quit at 56.

It took strength and a promise to Chris for me to stop after 15 years.

I won't break that promise to him.

Now for the topic of Chris.

I love him. case closed.

I don't know where my family thinks that that doesn't count for something.

That after the incident on Monday, that I could just say "eh, I don't love you anymore. have fun finding a new home"

I love him enough to put myself through some of the toughest times in my life in order to support and care for him.

I don't know what my family expects or thinks, but obviously they don't know how to love like I do.

It actually pains me to thin that my family would give up on someone that quickly.

Shouldn't have shocked me then that my brother disowned me and told me to kill myself.

Jason Webley wrote:

We learned to fight and learned to love- ...
How to laugh and how to grieve,
We learned to trust, we learned to leave...
Guessed we had learned enough ways to love,
Still I don't know mother who we are.
Our minds were sharp, our bodies burning,
We gave ourselves over to learning.
How to break and how to give,
Betrayal taught us to forgive...
How to sink and how to fly,
We learned to watch each other die...
Thought we had learned enough ways to love...

Perhaps they haven't learned enough ways to love.

You have to love with your whole heart or not at all.

if its not with every fiber of your being or its not worth it.

I am hoping that love does conquer all.

that my sacrifices will be as worth it in the end as they are right at this moment.

That someday my family will realize that the conditional love they show, the love that has boundaries and comes with conditions and ultimatums is not the way to love. that it is not true love at all.

perhaps I am being idealistic.

perhaps I am just bending ideas and notions to fit my ideal

but perhaps I am not.

This is what I believe.

this is part of who I am

take it or leave it.

Be careful, you might end up in my novel

someday I am going to actually write something other than spatterings in a blog.

Someday I will achieve the artistic peak I have been aiming for.

I have written poems, painted pictures, captured moments in time with photographs.

I have even written songs and inspired others to write songs.

Apparently I am not the writer that my family thought I would be.

Perhaps it is time to put them into the words they long for me to write.

Perhaps it is time to stop being candid and nice

Friends are the family you choose for yourself

I chose Chris.

He needs me and I love him and that is that.

My dad won't talk to me and my older brother disowned me.

well, he didn't disown me. he told me I should be committed or go back to cutting or basically kill myself.

My mom said she will always be there for me but not for him. he needs to prove himself again.

It took over a year the first time, but I know he will again.

As far as everyone else, it is for them to get over.

I am not giving up on them but if they want to give up on me then fine.

I am an adult and most adults have only casual relationships with their family.

Maybe it is time to cut some ties. see them now and again and that be that.

When I am at my lowest it is my friends that are there for me without question.

My family judged and yelled and made me feel worse than I thought I possibly could.

They kept saying that I keep blaming other people for my faults and mistakes.

If they listened to anything I was trying to say they would know that that wasn't true.

However, the horrid feelings, the gallons of tears, they were because of them.

Because for once I just needed them there and not to judge and not to finger point

to just be there and be supportive.

My friends didn't even ask for details.

they knew there was something wrong and they were there.

maybe not holding me or providing the physical comforting and support I needed, but through text, tweet and phone calls, they were there.

Now if my family reads this they will say that I am just being angry and unfair.

that I am arguing and not listening and finger pointing.

I bet not a single one can tell me a single word I said. And if they can, it wouldn't be in the right tone or context.

that's not fair. my one brother and mom both realized that they were being unfair to me.

One day I will write down the whole story.

one day when we are all ready to open up.

But right now it is mainly between Chris and I.

Anyone who wants to judge and be angry, fine.

you do that.

see where that gets you.

As for me, I have enough on my plate.

Chris needs me and I need me.

They can say that I am not the same girl I was before Chris

And thank god for that.

That girl was sad and lonely and afraid of everything.

that girl didn't like to take care of herself, didn't like to socialize

that girl used to LOVE to take a nice, fresh, sharp razor to her skin

that girl used to think about how much better off she would be if she wasn't around.

That girl was gone until a few days ago when her family started to point everything back out to her. To say that who she is now is worse than before.

I beg to differ. I was finally starting to LOVE me. not razor blades.

If Choosing Chris was a mistake, I hope it is the grandest mistake ever.

xoxo

running the gambit

today I was told I have to either give up my love or give up my family.

No one should have to chose between the two.

who I love is my choice. Who my family is, is not.

They feel I ma making a mistake in who I am choosing to spend my life with.

I respect their opinions but not the fact that they are forcing me to choose between them.

I am sure that any of you that have read my blog have seen a drastic decline in my posts.

it's because I can't seem to write when I am happy.

Just about every post is me trying to deal with my fears, sadness and self loss.

I didn't know who I was or what I was doing.

Obliviously my family doesn't read this blog.

According to my mother, I am not me.

I guess she like the depressed, lonely, scared girl that I had been for the better part of 15 years.

the stronger, more independent, happy girl of the last 2 years must be someone else.

My brother called me out on my cutting today. in front of my mom.

I showed him my arms, and all my healed cuts and scars.

I haven't cut since my love moved in. since I promised him I wouldn't and had him to help me.

It took him and not my family to stop that.

It took him to make me embrace more around me.

yes there have been hard times, but there have been great times.

He fucked up today. I won't deny that. I won't defend it either.

what he did was shitty and I can't explain why he did it.

He broke my trust and it will take a lot to get it back to close to what it was.

He knows this.

he is willing to leave me if I think it will help.

My mother accused me of taking the easy way out and running away from my problems.

At the same time she is telling me to not even let him back into the house and to give up on him.

to me that is running away. and you don't give up on people you love.

if you give up on everyone that ever screwed up then there would be a lot less people in this world.

Maybe I am being stupid and maybe he will finish breaking my heart.

or maybe he will heal the cracks he made today.

I know I have issue. and in my time of struggle the last thing I need was to have them all pointed out to me and told that I am a disappointment to my family and that I have to choose them over anyone else.

I won't do that. If they have a problem then they must choose.

I have enough love for all of them, but if they don't like my choices then that's just tough.

they are my choices. I don't interfere with theirs.

I am tired of always walking on eggshells with them. I am tired of never being able to finish a sentence when they are attacking me and not being able to explain myself.

I have been battle depression since I was about 11. and my mother can't figure out why I have the problems I do.

maybe if she paid just a little more attention to what I have been trying to tell her for years rather than constantly interrupting me and telling me how hard her life was.

I know how hard it was and I never tried to say mine was harder.

I don't know why I feel the way I do half the time.

I don't know why I think about what it might be like to drive my car through a guardrail.

what it would be like the watch blood spill from my wrists.

Why I am as old as I am and still afraid of the dark.

Why I can never sleep through the night.

Why I hear people who aren't there calling my name and why i see shadows when there is nothing there to cast them.

Why I started having anxiety attacks at 17

why I have been on 5 different medications and to 6 different shrinks in 7 years.

why I can't seem to keep my room or apartment clean.

Why I just want to leave the world.

you know the only reason I never actually committed suicide is because I didn't want to stick my family with the bills and because I know they wouldn't respect my last wishes.

I guess my family liked the girl that had all of that bubbling to the surface

now that i have found ways to suppress it and put on a happy face, which for the most part is a genuine happy face, they don't like that girl.

they like the one that was sarcastic but still did everything she was told. the one who didn't fight.

I don't like that girl. But after today there is more of her coming back.

maybe I can find a balance. maybe i'll find the real me sometime.

maybe I need more meds and more couch time.

I don't know.

all I know i right now it is me and him and the support of my friends.

that my mother is angry and my father disowned me

and thats their problem.

I'm not choosing. but if I have to, I am his only family and he deserves love and support right now because this is not about me. its about him.

Just popping in to say hi.

hi.

I doubt anyone still even pays attention to this since I have been shamefully neglectful.

If you do, I apologize.

give me a little push.

comment on this

let me know what you would like to see, read, know about

things I can't explain away in 140 characters

things that I might only show the loyal few

sleepless night of a stupid girl

i don't know why but I want to cry

as i lay next to you at night

why won't you touch me, or hold me

why won't you kiss me like you did before

you say yes when I ask if you love me

but you haven't said the words in days

i know I am being silly

i know that it is absurd

i know you love me still

i can see it in your eyes

feel it when you quickly grasp my hand

hear it when you tell me to "be safe" when I must leave you

but it doesn't stop the tears from wanting to fall

from rising up out of a soul that is aching to be touched

every time you let go of me and turn away

every time you say "I promise" then drift away from me

every time I hear your rhythmic breathing mingled with my quickening pulse

every time a fall into dreamless sleep feeling alone

I even wonder now, if you realize I have left your side

a place i wish to stay forever

a place now vacant if only for a time

will you wake up and remember the fears I whispered

will you remember the longing in my voice

the words it pained me to say aloud

the words you fell asleep to

Will you feel me return

will you hold me close

will you tell me that you love me

will you make me forget all that came before