running the gambit

today I was told I have to either give up my love or give up my family.

No one should have to chose between the two.

who I love is my choice. Who my family is, is not.

They feel I ma making a mistake in who I am choosing to spend my life with.

I respect their opinions but not the fact that they are forcing me to choose between them.

I am sure that any of you that have read my blog have seen a drastic decline in my posts.

it's because I can't seem to write when I am happy.

Just about every post is me trying to deal with my fears, sadness and self loss.

I didn't know who I was or what I was doing.

Obliviously my family doesn't read this blog.

According to my mother, I am not me.

I guess she like the depressed, lonely, scared girl that I had been for the better part of 15 years.

the stronger, more independent, happy girl of the last 2 years must be someone else.

My brother called me out on my cutting today. in front of my mom.

I showed him my arms, and all my healed cuts and scars.

I haven't cut since my love moved in. since I promised him I wouldn't and had him to help me.

It took him and not my family to stop that.

It took him to make me embrace more around me.

yes there have been hard times, but there have been great times.

He fucked up today. I won't deny that. I won't defend it either.

what he did was shitty and I can't explain why he did it.

He broke my trust and it will take a lot to get it back to close to what it was.

He knows this.

he is willing to leave me if I think it will help.

My mother accused me of taking the easy way out and running away from my problems.

At the same time she is telling me to not even let him back into the house and to give up on him.

to me that is running away. and you don't give up on people you love.

if you give up on everyone that ever screwed up then there would be a lot less people in this world.

Maybe I am being stupid and maybe he will finish breaking my heart.

or maybe he will heal the cracks he made today.

I know I have issue. and in my time of struggle the last thing I need was to have them all pointed out to me and told that I am a disappointment to my family and that I have to choose them over anyone else.

I won't do that. If they have a problem then they must choose.

I have enough love for all of them, but if they don't like my choices then that's just tough.

they are my choices. I don't interfere with theirs.

I am tired of always walking on eggshells with them. I am tired of never being able to finish a sentence when they are attacking me and not being able to explain myself.

I have been battle depression since I was about 11. and my mother can't figure out why I have the problems I do.

maybe if she paid just a little more attention to what I have been trying to tell her for years rather than constantly interrupting me and telling me how hard her life was.

I know how hard it was and I never tried to say mine was harder.

I don't know why I feel the way I do half the time.

I don't know why I think about what it might be like to drive my car through a guardrail.

what it would be like the watch blood spill from my wrists.

Why I am as old as I am and still afraid of the dark.

Why I can never sleep through the night.

Why I hear people who aren't there calling my name and why i see shadows when there is nothing there to cast them.

Why I started having anxiety attacks at 17

why I have been on 5 different medications and to 6 different shrinks in 7 years.

why I can't seem to keep my room or apartment clean.

Why I just want to leave the world.

you know the only reason I never actually committed suicide is because I didn't want to stick my family with the bills and because I know they wouldn't respect my last wishes.

I guess my family liked the girl that had all of that bubbling to the surface

now that i have found ways to suppress it and put on a happy face, which for the most part is a genuine happy face, they don't like that girl.

they like the one that was sarcastic but still did everything she was told. the one who didn't fight.

I don't like that girl. But after today there is more of her coming back.

maybe I can find a balance. maybe i'll find the real me sometime.

maybe I need more meds and more couch time.

I don't know.

all I know i right now it is me and him and the support of my friends.

that my mother is angry and my father disowned me

and thats their problem.

I'm not choosing. but if I have to, I am his only family and he deserves love and support right now because this is not about me. its about him.