I'll most likely kill you in the morning...

Someone replied that to my goodnight twitter post last night.

I woke up feeling like i might actually want to kill people.

funny how that worked out.

Actually, its not that I want to kill someone or anyone, just kill life in general.

I want it to stop for a while.

STOP THIS CRAZY WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF!

Bad things come in 3's

I am hoping that I missed the first one and that Chris losing his job was number 3.

If not then that means that something bad is still waiting. I don't think I can handle that.

I try to be a little candid in my posts because I am constantly thinking about what other people might think.

What my family would think if they stubbled upon this.

Not today.

Today I am just going to say everything.

Forgive me if I offend... but i really don't care this morning.

Today I kinda wish my family would read this.

Today I am getting it all out

Spilling it out on the table

Heart and soul for you all to poke, prod and examine

Here it is.

I want to not be strong.

I want to cry.

I want to go back to the way I was over a year ago when my friends didn't like to leave me by myself with sharp objects.

I want to cut myself deeper than I ever have before.

I want the pain and fire that is running through my veins to come rushing out.

I know that some of you will understand what that feels like and there are those of you who don't or don't want to. but here it is.

I can only equate it to being a smoker or alcoholic. You just have to do it.

perhaps this is my vice.

I just feel this pain, this burning and its too much to handle.

no amount of crying or trying to talk it out helps.

It BURNS. courses through my veins, through every organ of my body

rips and pulls through my chest

I have to give it a way out before it explodes through my heart and brain.

I never cut to kill myself.

No matter how many times it thought about it

how many times I have closed my eyes and the seen the blood rushing over my skin.

I rarely cut that deep and if I do its no where near a major blood source.

I really want to do it now but I made a promise I wouldn't

That may not seem like much to members of my family, but they have no idea how hard it is.

these are people that smoke religiously and never quit longer than a few months.

they will judge and mock and throw it back in my face because posers have made cutting into something that tight pant wearing emo kids do because "no on understands them".

I never did it for that.

I started by accident.

I started because I was weak, I was hurting, I was trying to get through and function like a "normal" person and I wasn't paying attention when sliced my hand open.

It was the first time I felt like I wasn't on fire. I became addicted to it like my mom is to smoking.

It took her almost dying and getting pneumonia for her to quit at 56.

It took strength and a promise to Chris for me to stop after 15 years.

I won't break that promise to him.

Now for the topic of Chris.

I love him. case closed.

I don't know where my family thinks that that doesn't count for something.

That after the incident on Monday, that I could just say "eh, I don't love you anymore. have fun finding a new home"

I love him enough to put myself through some of the toughest times in my life in order to support and care for him.

I don't know what my family expects or thinks, but obviously they don't know how to love like I do.

It actually pains me to thin that my family would give up on someone that quickly.

Shouldn't have shocked me then that my brother disowned me and told me to kill myself.

Jason Webley wrote:

We learned to fight and learned to love- ...
How to laugh and how to grieve,
We learned to trust, we learned to leave...
Guessed we had learned enough ways to love,
Still I don't know mother who we are.
Our minds were sharp, our bodies burning,
We gave ourselves over to learning.
How to break and how to give,
Betrayal taught us to forgive...
How to sink and how to fly,
We learned to watch each other die...
Thought we had learned enough ways to love...

Perhaps they haven't learned enough ways to love.

You have to love with your whole heart or not at all.

if its not with every fiber of your being or its not worth it.

I am hoping that love does conquer all.

that my sacrifices will be as worth it in the end as they are right at this moment.

That someday my family will realize that the conditional love they show, the love that has boundaries and comes with conditions and ultimatums is not the way to love. that it is not true love at all.

perhaps I am being idealistic.

perhaps I am just bending ideas and notions to fit my ideal

but perhaps I am not.

This is what I believe.

this is part of who I am

take it or leave it.